Outsmarting the threat that is February 14.
Tomorrow is Valentine’s Day again. It will be the 27th Valentine’s Day that I have survived as a single woman (not that I was particularly concerned until about number 18). Yes, I already know I will survive. How do I know?
A content heart is the key to embracing, enjoying, and surviving Valentine’s Day.
No, it is not easy. It is a day to celebrate ‘love’ and in the world we live in that actually translates, a day to celebrate sex. So begins the major assault on our minds, hearts, and bodies from every corner. Out pops Victoria sharing all of her secrets (speaking of which, go Kylie!). In comes K & Y with their products and way-too-suggestive commercials. Then there’s Trojan with their late night sex toy ads on channels that should not be airing such ads, and the list goes on.
If you want to avoid physical temptation on Valentine’s Day, you need to turn off all of your electronic media on February 1 and do a two-week pure media fast. Since you are reading this, we are going to assume it’s a little late for that, so write that down for next year.
As if the assault on the mind and body wasn’t enough, then, there is the assault on the heart.
Oh, the torture when every single one of my Facebook friends decides it is cute to change their profile picture to their wedding picture. It wouldn’t be so bad if it were the most recent family picture or the Christmas card picture or the hospital picture with the new baby, but wedding pictures? Anything but the wedding pictures.
Nevermind feeling like the entire world’s third wheel when all around you co-workers are getting roses, kisses, and chocolate. There’s a simple way to avoid all the hassle. I call it the “fourteen days of February.”
The Fourteen Days of February (How to Survive Valentine’s Day)
On the first day of February: Disconnect your Cable TV.
On the second day of Febraury: Copy down all of the contacts from your cell phone who are single and only the ones who are single with the exception of one emergency contact.
On the third day of February: Go online and put in an order for flowers to yourself, to arrive on Valentine’s day.
On the fourth day of February: Buy a Valentine’s Day card, fill it out, sign it “Your Secret Admirer.” Mail it and a SASE (self-addressed stamped envelope) to a random address in the USA with a note simply asking the person to please mail it back on February 12.
On the fifth day of February: Put in to have Valentine’s Day off work. Make reservations for the 13th… yes, you heard that right, buddy– the 13th, at noon. What?
On the sixth day of February: Drop your cell phone in the toilet. Go to the drug store to get a temporary replacement one. While there, buy one of those sampler chocolate trays and a quart of Rocky Road ice cream. You know what, make that a gallon.
On the seventh day of February: Enter in all of the contacts from the list you made on Day 2. Funny… where did all your married friends run off to? Eat the cherry cordial chocolate from the sampler.
On the eighth day of February: Approach a local convent, ask the nuns to borrow a habit. Eat the caramel chocolate.
On the second Sunday in February (Assuming it is between the 7th and 13th days): Attend a new church wearing said habit. Pretend to be a nun who has taken the vow of silence. Eat the cream-filled ones (or throw them out- personal preference).
On the ninth day of February: De-activate your Facebook account until further notice. Activate e-mail autoresponder: tell people to give you a call on your cell phone but fail to mention you dropped it in the toilet and changed the number. Eat the nougat.
On the tenth day of February: Box up all chick flicks and love CDs (quiet- you know you have them). Wrap it like a Christmas present and store it in the attic with a tag that says, “Do not open until Christmas.” Eat the maple chocolate.
On the eleventh day of February: Call your mother from a payphone just to let her know you are OK. At the two minute mark, “run out” of time (and quarters). Eat the double chocolate chocolate.
On the twelfth day of February: Ooops! Return the habit to the convent, spend the afternoon hanging with the nuns. Stop by the bank on your way home, withdraw $50, just for you.
On the thirteenth day of February: Get super dressed up for your lunch reservations. Spend all of your $50. Go home, change into sweats and a t-shirt. Lay out lunch leftovers, remaing chocolates, and Rocky Road ice cream and begin an all-night LOTR marathon. At all costs, avoid Pirates of the Caribbean. Drink lots of soda, so as to need to use the facilities during the sappy LOTR moments.
On the fourteenth of February: Wake up on the living room floor– feeling sick. (Good thing you called off work! If not, do so now.) Clean up mess in living room, take a shower and a couple aspirin. Answer the door and receive surprise flowers! (How thoughtful of me!). Go to the mail and find card from secret admirer. Enjoy the rest of your day feeling very loved. Order pizza at 11 for a perpetual all-day snack.
On the fifteenth of February: Activate Facebook, fix cell phone situation, start a juice fast and sign up for a gym membership. Throw out the flowers, burn the card, and sign up for E-harmony so you don’t have to do it again.
Or… you could just learn to practice the art of contentment.
At some point tomorrow, my e-book “Love Done Right” will release. It is a small devotional book just to help us focus on the love God has for us. The adventure of writing it has made me come to appreciate the love of God and has caused me to love Him more. The love He has for us is a deep, enduring, constant, protecting, providing, nurturing, nourishing, satisfying, overwhelming, healing, freeing, restoring, sacrificing, providential love.
I’m thinking focusing on those fourteen things is a lot easier (and cheaper). Just sayin’.