He wrapped his arms around me and pulled me close. “You are so special,” he said, “Very very special.” I laughed.
I’m sure he thought it was from embarrassment. It isn’t everyday I have a man saying stuff like that to me, but in all honesty, my laughter expressed a very different emotion.
It was my way of saying, “You’re such a liar.”
I still grapple with accepting praise. I still fight with my own self-image. It’s just a reality I have to confront daily, if not multiple times a day. I’m perfectly fine with accepting praise for something I’ve done, but I have a major issue believing people see anything worthwhile in who I am.
It’s weird, really, when you stop and think about it. I want to believe that I am worth something as a person, yet I am constantly convincing myself I am not. Oy. We’re strange creatures aren’t we? Sin has really screwed us up.
I have an issue with being secure. I don’t know how to be secure. It’s one thing to understand that I can be, but a completely different thing to let go of insecurities and find who I am without those. I don’t know how to be defined within the context of security.
Life is not allowed to be OK. I don’t know how to function when life is OK.
I find no purpose if I am not solving some crisis or getting to the bottom of some issue. That’s my job. It’s what I do. It’s why I love counseling, why I love math and science, why I am the way I am. The problem is when I make a problem out of everything else. It’s like deliberately spilling black in the white just so everything is grey.
I am not allowed to be loveable because I have no clue how to be loveable!
I am not allowed to be forgiven because then I can’t be punished for something if I am forgiven.
Apparently, as much as I hate the drama of others, I love creating my own.
That thought occurred to me as I reflected on the events of my life over the past couple weeks. I just don’t know how to be normal with someone. I don’t know how to just hang out. We have to be having a deep meaningful faith discussion or need to be resolving conflict or I have no clue how to act!
The big issue though is, I apply this to my spiritual life. Can you believe that I think sometimes I sin just because I can’t grasp the fact that I don’t have to?
Let me phrase it a different way. Spiritual life is going great- I’m loving God, growing, finding my way in Him. Then this thought comes along and this thought says,
Something is wrong with everything being right.
And I listen! Why do I do that!?
I say, “Hey! You know what, you’re right! Things can’t be right here because I’m Jessica and Jessica just doesn’t do things right. I screw things up all the time.” So what do I do? I sin! Because I apparently think I don’t know how to relate to God unless I am sinning.
Weird, isn’t it?
It was a hard realization for me. It brought to mind the verse where Paul says, “Do we just keep sinning so we can have more grace?” Apparently, my subconscious answer is “yes!”
But that isn’t the TRUE answer. It isn’t the answer of freedom. The answer of freedom says, “Of course not, I’m over that. I never want to be in that bondage again. What’s the point of being there? What kind of life is that?”
The issue is believing with an active heart knowledge that I can, in fact, make that decision.
See, it’s more than just knowing the truth or even believing the truth– we have to accept the truth —as truth.