Maybe it’s just me but there are days when I read a verse, take John 3:16 for instance, and it reveals some great truth about God’s love and my heart’s response is,
“No thank you, God, I don’t feel like being loved today.”
I am very confident in the state of my mental well-being. I don’t consider myself bipolar or depressed or anything of the sort but there are days when I seriously feel like I pull a Jekyll-Hyde transformation multiple times.
Why do we do that? Why do I cry out for grace, mercy, and a rescue and then bite the hand that would rescue me? It drives me nuts really.
I think, though, that it all boils down to two possible conclusions.
1) The devil is selling lies and we’re buying. This isn’t always the case, but for many of us, we see grace in all of its goodness as ‘too good to be true’ and we approach the promises of God like a letter saying we’ve won the lottery. Sure, it sounds great, but what’s the catch? Is it real? Is there a camera somewhere that will make me into a huge spectacle when I react?
2) The current lesson of life is a painful one, and let’s just face it, we don’t like pain. As we mature and grow as Christians and as we recover as women once enslaved by lust, there are huge processes of change that occur. Speaking from experience, some of that can be so painful. In those moments, it is so tempting to pack it up and say,
“Nope. I’m done; this is far enough.”
But we have to realize we will never go farther without enduring.
It’s a lesson I am currently learning right now as I take this little adventure of learning what it means to love and allow myself to be loved by others. I’ll confess, I still struggle with issues of abandonment and I don’t work through it really well at all. If I even feel a relationship is threatened, I will cut it off (the whole “You can’t fire me; I quit” approach) to protect myself.
But I am realizing just how toxic that attitude is. I am essentially stopping right where I am on my journey of freedom, plopping down and saying, “No thank you, I’m free enough. I’ll just stay right here.”
Can we ever be ‘free enough?’
Even in the short number of years I’ve been on this journey, I have realized that the layers of our humanity are complex and many. I don’t know that we can ever fully understand how lust has impacted our lives or fully uncover the underlying tracks that led us to lust to begin with. There is so much thinking that has to be corrected! We have to correct how we view and interpret love, grace and even freedom itself.
Is it enough to just be done with lust? Am I content to just not be addicted to lust anymore or do I want the abundant life promised to me by Christ? That’s the life He came to give but it doesn’t come without its share of adjustments (at least not in my experience), and I know that I would much better for the journey if I would just take Him at His word, trust Him and let Him do what He is doing in me and quit whining. It’s just easier to cry out in pain and run.
I’ve found I do the same with people too! Accountability partners who get too close can quickly find themselves on the chopping block. Friends who I tell all to find themselves under quick speculation.
I think we all are guilty of being so afraid of the truth of freedom and grace that we fall into bondage again.
Instead of a bondage to lust, we will find ourselves in bondage to fear if we don’t keep our freedom in perspective. Don’t bite the hand that loves you or fight the grace that frees you. Let it accomplish what it intends to in your life and know that the pain will be worth it all.
Being confident of this very thing, that he which hath begun a good work in you will perform it until the day of Jesus Christ: